Mark is worried about his job, and I, of course, lost my job in November and have not been working. Since Mark works in the health care industry and Obama is talking about sweeping changes, he has every right to be worried. I am too.

I've been so BORED lately. World of Warcraft just isn't "cutting it" anymore. Thank goodness I have my appointment with the volunteer group on Thursday, it's something to do. As long as I pass the interview and background check, classes then begin in July. If all goes well, I'll be "sworn in" in August. Wow, what a volunteer job, I know. But in this case, you have to be extra careful.

I went to dinner for Mark's birthday (belated) on Sunday, but did NOT want to go. Mark is SO anti-Obama, all he does is lament about how Obama is directly attacking his way of life in every facet. His dad is such a Republican, I didn't want to sit through that for over an hour, told Mark I didn't want to go and sit through that. I mean, I REALLY told him. So we got there, and the first thing his dad said was the economy would start to get better in about 3 years (meaning when Obama was out of office). Mark quickly said he thought I was tired of hearing about things like that, and his dad apologized and we moved on. Thank goodness! I'm not all pro-Obama, but I'm not anti-Obama either, and I always get stuck on the pro-Obama side. I'm a liberal, Obama is a liberal, so you see my situation.

I'm pretty flat right now mood wise, just bored out of my mind which is probably how I should be.

Age and weight have been heavy on my mind lately. Age - I never thought of myself as "old", but it's like people beat it into you. "Are you 40?" like it's so old, and like I look 40 anyway, or they don't act surprised when I tell them I'm 40. I don't feel old, but society keeps telling me I am. It doesn't help that Mark is 33.

Weight - it's no surprise that I can't lose weight when I sit on the couch all day. I disgust myself. I have no clothes I can wear, just one pair of shorts and a few t-shirts that I cycle through day after day. The shorts will barely button, but it's all I have.

Mark keeps talking about productivity, how can I be productive when I can't find a job? I can clean house, yes, move things around, but I have no motivation to do that. He talks about money, but what am I supposed to do? Work at McDonald's? He doesn't even want that for me.

I think the volunteer job will be very good for me, and I'm hoping it will lead to a paying position, you never know. Or maybe the inspiration to go back to school and get licensed as a social worker.

After taking 50mg of Seroquel for a week, I'm trying 25mg of Seroquel for the first time tonight. It's better than going cold turkey like I did less than a week or so ago. We'll see if I get sleepy and can go to bed soon, or if I give in and take the other 1/4 of a pill.

First of all, stupid little thing, I voted for Kris Allen 4 times on American Idol, however "shocking" the news calls it because that is the kind of music I would like to hear in the future. Adam has a 70's screaming voice, which I would not enjoy. Enough said.

On Mark's birthday, the next day after our HUGE blowout argument, I got up not speaking to him. I had slept in the spare bedroom, a first since we moved into this house, let alone our marriage!

Something I may have omitted about the previous night, I had laid out most of my klonipin I had in my bottle on the kitchen counter and started to take them, but didn't intend to take all of them, just counted them out to see how many I had. I was so freaked out, I took 8. But I told Mark I was taking Seroquel, which he told me to stop taking, and that I was taking all I had in my bottle. I don't know why I said that, just to get back at him I guess. He said "should I call 911?" and I said "you can't die from a Seroquel overdose, I've researched it", which I think I did a long time ago, but like anything, I'm sure there's a risk you can, or someone has, or whatever. He grabbed the bottle from me which still had a few klonipin in it and put it in his pocket without even reading the label and I told him what it was, telling him he was an idiot.

I was SO MAD at him, like rage mad, which I'm sure you can tell by my previous post. Maybe it was justifiable, I don't know. In a normal setting, perhaps I would have cried instead of exploded.

So anyways, the next morning, I wasn't speaking to him. He said "if it were me, I would have put it away because it was your birthday until the next day". We talked, with me still angry, and I softened some, and the rest is a blur now. I don't remember what we did that day, except we went to Nordstrum's to buy sandals for him, and went to an Italian restaurant for dinner. Or was the the next day, and we went to barbecue for his birthday. Why can't I remember what we did on which day? This is Thursday and it was just last weekend! Somewhere in there we went to a nice French restaurant, I think it was Saturday, and had a good time. It was way too expensive for what I wanted to just be a "chocolate souffle" for a midafternoon snack as we decided to order a meal and wine, and I don't think he will be taking me back anytime soon. But it was a nice time anyway.

So....the Seroquel. I went back to 50mg, when I was taking 100-200mg per day before I quit. Because I didn't take any for 1 week+, it knocks me out once I do fall asleep, but I don't wake up slurring my words, etc. Mark has been out of town this week and is coming home today, but I started taking 50mg before he left, and he didn't know, or if he suspected, he didn't mention it. Now that he'll be home tonight, I think I'll go down to 25mg. I want to do this on my own, because my appetite has really gone up since I started taking it again. I had like NO APPETITE when I stopped, but couldn't sleep and my mood, I guess from not taking Seroquel, was out of control.

I started the process to volunteer for a children's organization, but the "information class" isn't until the end of May. Then I have to go through an interview, background check, and a month's worth of classes before I can start. The classes don't begin until July. So...something good came from our fight after all, I just wish I could start this process sooner. I'm REALLY REALLY bored. Mark is right, I don't contribute at all, to anything, although he didn't quite put it that way, but it's hard to face reality.

Wish me luck with Seroquel.

Right now, things are not working out with Mark. Maybe I'm "manic" and am enraged about things, but I don't think so. I think my reaction is totally in line with what is going on.

I haven't had a job in 6 months, there are just no jobs for recruiters. To be honest, I've all but given up hope. He's home this week, on Paid Time Off, so we've had a lot of time just sitting around the house together. Too much time. It came to a head tonight. It really got me to thinking.

He's been making "jabs" at me for awhile now, how he's supporting me, how I'm the beneficiary in the relationship, things like that. Then it blew up tonight, and I made a stupid comment without thinking. I said I wished I still worked at the Big 5 so I could move out. Of course, that made HIM say and think that I was just living here so I could "live off him". Which I do believe he thinks I am anyway, whether I love him and would stay with him or not, I'm not contributing, which he DID say, and am living off him, which he DID say.

This has spiraled for me, into thinking many things. We can hardly have a conversation without arguing. What about? Politics. The smallest thing will spark it, and we'll get storming mad, raising our voices, and every time I'll have to stop it, end it, saying things like "that's IT - it's OVER" (meaning the conversation). The latest started just by a bill coming from our health care provider! Just a stupid bill in the mail started a huge argument for us! That's what I'm trying to say, it's nonstop, and I keep saying, every time, which is constant, what started it THIS time, and it's always something trivial. He shouts "socialism" about everything, while I try to demand that our social progression is good for the country, notating many things, not bailouts or anything financial, just how repressed we've been over the past 8 years and we're finally getting some freedom back. It's led to HUGE arguments, and he's gone so far as to blame me going to college and taking history classes from a "liberal college", which means ANY college as, you know, professors are typically liberal (rolling eyes into the back of my head). I prompted this, however, by saying I wouldn't discuss FDR's (failed, so he said) New Deal with him until he went to college and took a history class.

Right now, in my opinion, our marriage is a total failure. He yelled at me about being nonproductive and even if my leaving forced me to be productive and taking care of myself, then he would be successful. YES, he SAID THAT.

He's always come home from Chicago never acting happy to see me, more interested in the array of the house, what state it's in, what bills have come, etc. I just happen to be here, and if I didn't go to the door, he wouldn't bother to come to me. He does his dutiful call every night to tell me goodnight or to chat, but about what? We have nothing in common anymore. I listen to his day, ask him questions so he knows I'm interested, which mainly consists of his work, build him up about his job and let him know how wonderful he is, then we get off the phone. It's a DUTY CALL.

We don't hold each other in bed - I curl up next to him to fall asleep with a pillow between us initially, but end up rolling over on my side of the bed eventually to fall asleep. We rarely have sex, and that's okay with me.

AND, to top it off, he DEMANDED I stop taking Seroquel. He said it made me drunk acting, and he was "intervening" like I did when he was taking a bottle of xanax and drinking at the same time. A doctor prescribed medication being compared to drug and alcohol abuse? So I stopped taking it about a week ago. I took one last night, and he has been so mad at me today, calling me a drunk this morning, saying I slept all day (my God, I hadn't had one in a week, and it was only until 11, not ALL DAY). It has made me see that Seroquel doesn't make me sleep at all, and I don't really need it, but the first few days all I did was itch from anxiety. It's finally gotten better, but perhaps could my anger be from stopping the doctor prescribed Seroquel?

I am really REALLY angry. Like move out of the house angry.

Except his birthday is tomorrow. I bought him a cherry cheesecake from the cheesecake factory, and I'm going to ask him ONE TIME when he wants it. If he says he doesn't at all, I'm going to take it, throw it in the trash, and throw the money it cost at him in cash so he can't say I wasted money. I don't care that we said he'd buy clothes from Nordstrum's tomorrow, if he doesn't make an effort to go, I'm not bringing it up and getting him out the door. I'm also not asking where he wants to go for his birthday dinner. I bought his birthday cards, and am simply signing them "S" and throwing them on the couch where he sits. No lovey dovey mushy stuff, are you freaking kidding me?

The only reason this has got me to thinking I'm manic is I've done the same in my guild in World of Warcraft. I've gone off on a few people, and have stopped playing kind of. I've decided not to login anymore, and to skip about a week's worth of raids. SO not typical of me at all, I don't miss a single raid if I can help it.

Maybe these changes are for the better, maybe they've been coming for a long time. It's all been festering, and I'm just now seeing it for what it really is. I'm no longer "blowing it off", I'm actually letting myself FEEL IT. Not letting people put me down or knock me around anymore. Or live in a relationship where obviously love is not what matters. I try to show love, and it's like it's a foreign feeling that quickly pushed away and unwanted, unless it's sex. Of course, sex, right? Or building him up telling him how great he is and how successful he'll be, then he eats that up. It's not that I don't believe it, I do when it comes to business, but so does he, he doesn't need positive reinforcement. His head is big enough for 10 people.

I feel so angry and mad that I don't feel like I've gotten everything out because I still feel the same. Aren't you supposed to feel better when you've bared your soul? I don't. Mark is traveling next Monday - Thursday. Should I make it a "Seroquel Holiday"?

I'm so depressed. What a great way to start a blog entry. I wonder how many entries have started with that very same, short line. Once again, it's that depression I can FEEL, in my chest, my head, with the tears on the verge of spilling out at a moment's notice.

I ran out of my new "depression patch" Emcam I think it's called, because the pharmacy didn't get my doctor's fax for the prescription my doctor sent over the weekend. It went downhill from there. I don't know if that's why I've been so depressed, but it certainly couldn't have helped. I've spent most of the day in bed, thankfully sleeping, not just laying there. I finally got up and folded the laundry and showered, for the first time since probably Friday.

What is wrong with me? Why am I not like "normal" people? Normal people do not do this, they do not go through this, or if they do, they do not talk about it. Mark is a "normal person", this never happens to him.

I just want the pain and hopelessness to go away, along with the fear, of what, it could be a million things.

I want to be "normal". Why didn't God make me that way?

My online game is down and I'm bored. I don't know if my anti-depressant is working or not, but being off Adderall is killing me, I guess. I don't know how I would feel if I were on it anymore.

This made me laugh:

What's good about suicide?

A: No more fears they're going to get you because, haha, you got yourself first!

I hope no one is offended; my God, sometimes we have to laugh at ourselves!

What is it, this part of me that I hate so much? That longs for something I can't quite have? I'm in a decently happy marriage, yet I look for something validating, something more, I can't explain it. Not an affair, just....some acknowledgement that I still have got something that is not fleeting. That I'm desirable. It happens on my online game, it takes a certain kind of person, but then I look for it, making it well known that I am married. I'm not attractive, I'm not desirable any more, am I? Not even in an online game. What is it about me that seeks it out? Is it something I'm not getting in my marriage? Because it's DRIVING ME CRAZY! What kind of validation do I need, is it excitement I'm longing for? It is unspent youth? I honestly have no idea. But person to person, I'm frightened, scared, I don't dare venture into that space. I feel I have no "game" there, I'm just a 40 year old woman, probably frumpy, I don't know what else to say. Maybe behind a computer I can hide who I really am, or who I really think I am and be who I want to be. But it's not enough.

On another note, I'm wondering if I'm becoming manic. I couldn't sit still today and thought I was going to jump off the roof (not literally) and took 7 klonipin. You know what it did? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I should have been in bed asleep. So I took a Seroquel and slept for maybe an hour. I just took double my sleeping meds (aside from the Seroquel) and we'll see where that gets me.

My appetite has been peculiar. I had a dream last night that my mother was starving me, woke up, and had a bowl of cereal and went back to bed. Then I haven't really been hungry all day today much. It's this lunatic crazy mad person inside of me scratching and crawling to get out that won't leave me alone! Not even after 7 klonipin!

Even people on World of Warcraft have noticed it. They said they noticed I keep popping online and offline again and again. Yeah, I know. I can't sit still. I asked Mark if he thought it was because of discontinuing the Adderall (no attention span) and he said no. He has been on it and quit cold turkey too. He thinks I'm manic from my new medication. I won't go that far yet, but....my skin seems to be crawling from the inside out.

I think I heard Mark get up from bed. Better go - night.

Wow! What a new medication change, or changes!

I apparently "fell through the cracks" at my psychiatrist, not having to go in for a visit in about a year and a half. YES! THAT LONG! Why didn't I think something was up? If you look back in my blog, I know I said here and there it was weird, but that my doctor knew I'd make an appointment if something was up, or that he was concentrating on research, not money, or a bazillion things.

Not true.

I called in a refill for Klonipin, which they filled, but when I called to see if I could get a refill for Adderall a few days later, the receptionist went into a panic and said the doctor said no more refills for me until I'd seen him, and did I know how long it had been since I'd had a visit? Well duh, yeah. But I still came in every month for my prescription.

So, they fit me in basically after hours, for my Adderall refill. Only....it didn't quite work out that way. I suffered all weekend long without Adderall just waiting for that appointment!! Then we had to do a full appointment, not a brief 15 minute hello how are you great, see you later deal. One of those "are you still menstruating?" types of invasive appointments. Adderall was taken away (CRY!!!!), and I was told that, since I wasn't working, he thought that maybe my attention deficit was due to depression all along, and gave me an anti-depressant. No, not a bipolar anti-psychotic, a full blown anti-depressant. And (hold the lines) an MAOI Inhibitor. I wasn't ready for that. Thus the reason for no Adderall, can't be taken with an MAOI Inhibitor. He joked about wearing a bracelet, went over the things I couldn't take and said to make sure I read bottle labels now. I'm taking EMSAM, in the form of a patch. An anti-depressant in a patch? I've never heard of such a thing. Today is my second day of this.

I also had to stop Buspar.

But wait, this didn't all just happen in a flowery little puddle, with me going from med to med happily and daintily. NONONO. I was sick in bed for 2 days, I assume from withdrawal symptoms from what, I'm not sure. I didn't call the office. But magically, on the end of the second day, I got out of bed and was okay, I could live again. Then the next day (yesterday), I started the patch.

NOW I have to start taking daily showers so I can remove and put on a daily patch. Who would thought God would come up with a reason for me to take a daily shower? I pray to God all the time to please help me (unconditionally, w/o any specific requests), and His answers come to me in the strangest of ways. But, like I told my doctor, I also pray to him to please take my life, and thankfully, he chooses to ignore THOSE prayers. Right at this very second, I say thankfully. Ask me again in 24 hours, who knows what I'll say.

The job front is....the job front. There are no jobs out there for a recruiter, and I don't look as hard for a job as I should because I don't really believe a job is out there. It's a vicious cycle. Which reminds me, there are 2 job things I need to complete in my email, which yes, is a positive.

Does anyone have a Wii Fit? Does it NAG you when you skip a day or two? Or if you wear a sweatshirt instead of a t-shirt, does it tell you your weight has DRAMATICALLY changed, gotten heavier, and needs to record it? Oh my God, it can really ruin your morning!

I play World of Warcraft a lot, but it's gotten BORING. Nothing to do. I think I just play it to have SOMETHING to do. I considered quitting when I was sick, or at least not playing until Sunday, but gave in yesterday. Someone actually left a message on my Facebook page to come back to the game. After 2 DAYS! Yes, people are that obsessed.

It's raining here, if my doctor asked me right now, I would say "as a matter of fact, I'm menstruating NOW", and I feel like I want to take a Seroquel and just crawl into bed in a heap and sleep soundly. But I'd better at least take that bath first so I can put on a new patch! And probably skip the Seroquel....

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

Not much has really changed since my last post. I think I must be depressed, that's why I'm not really looking for a new job - I feel like it's hopeless, there are just no jobs out there for a Recruiter. Don't get me wrong, I do LOOK, but not as relentlessly as I should. How hard should I be looking? 8 hours a day? There aren't that many jobs to apply to - maybe 1-2 a day if I'm LUCKY. Usually 0.

I'm probably depressed, and using World of Warcraft to escape from my depression. I don't realize it's there because I'm immersed in that damned game. Strangely enough, Mark doesn't complain. He just lets me be, do what I want to do when I want to do it. Maybe he feels safer that I'm home playing a game than out being social doing "who knows what". He's like that, jealous in a way. This is purely speculation.

The only friends I have right now are online friends in the game, and I realize this isn't healthy. For one thing, I share NOTHING about myself, or at least hardly anything, so are they really my friends? No, I would say not. And people "abandon" me, if there is someone I get really close to, and this has happened twice now, they quit the game, and I'm so incredibly sad. But it's JUST A GAME! I guess it's become more than a game to me now, and I NEED A LIFE!

I went down from 2 Seroquel at night to 1, because I was running out too fast. This has dramatically altered my sleeping pattern. I get up way too early, and am tired all day. And not hungry all day either. Yesterday I ate absolutely nothing and went to bed, actually fell asleep, and then woke up at 4:30a this morning starving to death. I ate, then went back to bed around 6:00a, just to get a stomachache and get back up. I hate it when my meds are messed up!

Mark and I seem to be getting along rather well. Did I mention in my last post that he bought a new Porsche last week? It made him very happy, although I forgot until after he bought it that I could have negotiated a puppy out of the deal. Oh well, that's not what love is about - tit for tat, and he's very happy, isn't that what love is? To want your significant other to be happy? I have a 2004 BMW, and am perfectly content with it. Without a job, where am I really driving anyway? It just sits in the garage most of the time. And I still like it. : )

I might go take a nap. WoW is down for maintenance, and I'm tired anyway....



All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watching the puddles gather rain
And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
And speak my point of view but it's not sane
It's not sane

I just want someone to save me
I'll always be there when you wake
You know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made

And I don't understand why I sleep all day
And I start to complain that there's no rain

And all I can do is read a book to stay awake
And it rips my life away but it's a great escape
Escape ...

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
You don't like my point of view
You think that I'm insane
It's not sane ...

I just want someone to save me
I'll always be there when you wake
You know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made

Wow, I can't believe I've waited so long to post an entry!

First of all, over the last few months, I've found there are hardly any jobs for a Recruiter - someone who fills open jobs at companies who are hiring. With most businesses laying off, who needs a recruiter? No one. And if they do, I'm sure they're getting slammed with resumes, and mine is being buried, or openings are being filled by people they know. I've yet to have an interview, and my contract ended in November. I've applied for many, many positions, I just don't get calls or emails. I know what you're thinking....it's my resume. But it's the same resume that got me calls and emails unsolicited, just on LinkedIn, before the whole job crisis started. I've tweaked it and added the last Big-5, but now I have a gap on my resume from November until now - NOT GOOD.

You would think that without my income, we would be "strapped for cash". Mark takes care of the finances, so I'm pretty much left in the dark. I would say from his purchase last night of a 2008 red Porsche with 7500 miles on it as a sign that we are doing okay, even though he's assured me time and again that we are. He asked me over and over if I was comfortable with the purchase, probably 100 times, and of course I am. He is the breadwinner in the family, he works hard and deserves a "treat", a "toy", and if we have the extra funds, then why not? I did tell him last night after he bought it that I forgot I had "hand" when he was asking me if he could buy it, and didn't negotiate a puppy for myself out of the deal. But...I told him I just wanted him to be happy, and that was completely honest. He's done everything to make sure I am taken care of and as happy as possible during this rough patch in my life right now, why wouldn't I want only the best for him?

I need to volunteer or something, but I haven't. I called a Dallas volunteer charity - one that serves as a "advocate" for children who have been taken away from their homes due to severe abuse or neglect, to the courts. They research placement with someone within the family, what types of counseling they may need, etc., things that a social worker may not always have time to do. They also talk to the parent(s), the abuser(s), which would be hard for me, but I could do it if it were for the welfare of a child. When I was little, I always used to tell myself I would never forget how it felt to be a child so I could help children when I was older. I still haven't lost that passion, yet I haven't done anything about it. I have all of this time on my hands, but I bury my head in the sand.

So what do I do with ALL of my free time? I read the news on the internet, play World of Warcraft ALL the freaking time, and I guess just try to keep my mind off of my situation. I realize not having my head in the "real world" and into a game may not be healthy, but I'm lonely and bored, and it does provide some socialization, however strange it may be. I made another strong connection in the game, not romantic, and he just abandoned me too, saying he was quitting the game because of the treatment by other hard core players (long boring story to those who have never played). He did give me his myspace website address before he left, so when he did leave, I had a way to contact him. I've never really used myspace, I use facebook, and rarely, but I did send him an email and he sent one back, making me realize, without that game, we would never be friends. Really the only things we have in common is that he lives in Kansas (although I no longer do), and we are the same class of character. So even his voice (yes, I'm a dork and play sometimes with a headset), I guess the accent, although I don't hear one, sounded very familiar and "normal" to me, when all around me every day I hear accents that are foreign. It's strange what can draw you to a person.

I don't know that I'm having bipolar symptoms, but I do know that I get a lot of anxiety, usually in the evenings. I've been taking double the Seroquel I used to, as I wasn't sleeping through the night, but now I've grown accustomed to the dosage, and I don't think I can go back to just one. NOT GOOD, because my doctor gives me enough for 1-2 pills per day, meaning I get 45 pills/month. (is that right?) So every other day I could take 2 pills, not every day. I know that sounds weird, but he simply prescribed what I told him I was taking on my last visit, over a year ago I think. Mark said he believes my doctor thinks I'm "cured", or at least I am as far as finding the right "cocktail", since I don't call in for appointments anymore. Trust me, when I'm freaked out and need to see him, I call right away and they get me in asap.

I started Nutrisystem, and quickly found a problem with it. I had to go to the store often to supplement the food they sent me. I'm not a "grocery store" person. So all of this food is sitting in the pantry not eaten. It's not even very good, some of it is gross to me. However, I'm sure I'll get the willpower to change my lifestyle again and fix my eating habits. Sitting around without even moving to go to work doesn't help. No walking from the car to my desk, even walking from my desk to a printer, just my butt sitting on the couch is not helping my weight issue.

I did do something positive for myself - I went to the dentist. I really didn't have a choice, my tooth started really hurting. I was freaked out, I just knew he was going to give me a tongue lashing about my lack of visits, but he didn't say anything. He declared I needed a root canal, and gave me medication for the pain and antibiotics for any infection, and told me to come back in a few days for the procedure. It was fairly painless, and when he was done, he said he wrote a new prescription for pain, as I would feel something similar to "bruising" later. I shrugged my shoulders and said "that's ok, it already hurt before...", and meant it. SIMILAR TO BRUISING? Oh my GOD, I couldn't even let my teeth touch each other for two days! It was incredibly painful, and why people take vicodin and get addicted is beyond my comprehension. I took it, and instead of it making me feel calm, I would get extremely agitated to the point where I would have rather suffered with the pain instead of make an ass out of myself over nothing. That medicine is EVIL.

I still need to go back to the dentist for the removal of the temporary bridge and placement of the permanent one and a cleaning. I keep putting it off, and the dental office called me yesterday. I'm SUCH A DORK! The caller id started with an "H", and that's all I saw when I answered it. When Mark calls, it starts with an H too, so I said "Hey Honey!", and then they asked for me. I'm rarely speechless, I just said "she isn't in, may I take a message?". The girl paused, I assume because my voice is somewhat distinctive, and then said who she was and to have me call them. I don't know WHY I didn't just say what had happened, it was a natural reaction I guess.

So, I guess I haven't blogged because there's nothing to blog about right now. Just intense boredom.

I thought of signing up for classes at the community college for the summer, but Mark advised against it. He said I don't have a good track record of finishing school, which is true, and he didn't think I should give up looking for a job. With this economy and my field, when in the world am I going to have a job again?

Today, I can't take it. The loneliness, the boredom. I'm going to take enough medicine to sleep through the day, and after that, I don't know. I guess it will be night and time to take my medication for bed. One day successfully down.

My phone doesn't ring. For a job. From anyone. I get the blanket emails to be an insurance agent quite often, knowing it's gone out to the masses. But I apply for the limited number of jobs I can do a week, and get....nothing. Not even a call back! This is so different from when employers were seeking ME out from LinkedIn, when they didn't even have my phone number! They'd find it somehow, recruiters can be very resourceful, I should know, except me and now.

I play everything off with a "here in the moment" attitude, meaning, "right this second I'm playing a game", "right now I'm making dinner", and not really reflecting far into the future at all, as in "next week". But when I do think about it, I realize, I'm becoming my dad, and I don't mean that in a positive way. My dad is legally blind with a bad back collecting government checks monthly, sitting at home with nothing to do but get angry at Republicans as far as I can tell. How am I different? It FEELS longer than two months because I worked from home for a year, and I know I shouldn't count that.

I want to be productive, not just a waste of space. I have my moments, maybe daily, where I just sit and cry. Isn't that selfish and not doing anything for anyone? Not having an outward reach for things, such as volunteering? I think of when I was young, and I could have been so much, and if only I had known that I'd be 40 and stuck in a house with no job and a husband supporting me, who has a REAL life, what would I think? Would that have changed my course of action? Probably not, it was all about survival back then. The feat of graduating from high school was probably pretty amazing.

How did I get here? Sometimes I start feeling like I'm SO depressed that it seems I'm on my way back to a depression that's leading to the hospital, but then it snaps back to something livable. I'm always just inches away from crying. I wish I just didn't feel anything, like a zombie. Suck it in.

Because all I'm really doing is feeling sorry for myself when there are more things out there than just me, but it's hard to do. How do you get yourself to see those things when you're broken? I mean, I guess I'm broken, is this normal? Is this how someone who is unemployed and can't find a job is supposed to feel?

I'm lucky that Mark can pay the bills, or I'd really be a basket case. I know I'm blessed, but it makes me feel SO GUILTY that I'm "living off of him". It doesn't seem right or fair that I'm not contributing. What must he REALLY think of me? I wonder if he sees me and thinks of me the same way I do - the ONLY way I can possibly think that others can see me? Nothing to be admired, loved, cherished, only pitied. And people you pity who don't help themselves, you start feeling angry towards over time, especially if you feel like they're taking advantage of you. How much time will it take?

How can I help myself when there is not another hand to grab?

The only human contact I really have every day is my husband, so....I know my social skills are slacking. Everything is. Maybe my mind isn't as sharp.

I guess that's enough of the pity party I'll allow myself in one post, at least for awhile.

My Lasik surgery was.....weird. Unpleasant, but not painful. Yes, I can see without contacts or glasses, I just went to the movies last night (New Year's Eve) for the first time without them. In the beginning, my eyes were so....I can't even think of the word. Not painful, just...uncomfortable keeps coming to mind. I still can't stand any kind of wind on my eyes (it hasn't been very long yet), and they get dry, but I'm supposed to be using store bought "tears" every 30 minutes which I don't do. Maybe 4-5 times a day is what I'm doing, but that's really all they seem to need. My left eye is blurry compared to my right eye. They told me at the doctor's office that it's because it had a much stronger correction needed, so it will need longer time to heal. The optometrist tried to prove it to me by showing how I saw with it one week after surgery, and then 3 weeks later, and yes, it had improved. I'm still afraid I'll have to have another surgery on my left eye though, just like I told the surgeon I didn't think he could "fix" my left eye. He blew it off, saying it was not a hard case, but any and all surgeries/post op care, etc. in the future is covered (he didn't say that, I was told and signed a form about that), and if I can't see 20/20, I get my money back. Why didn't I think he could fix my left eye? Optometrists couldn't fix it with contacts, I would throw the left contact out because it didn't work, but he said that was the perfect reason for lasik surgery. True, I can see MUCH MUCH BETTER than I ever would have with one of those stupid contacts, but it's blurry.

I still don't have a job, but I attribute that to the holidays, and to be honest, for the last week or so, I haven't been looking very hard. Mark said I need to go further than posting my resume on internet sites and applying for jobs online. I said how - sending my resume to "general mailboxes"? He reminded me of my gigantic (it really is, almost 3000 1st degree contacts) LinkedIn directory, and said this is the time to utilize it. Yes, he's right, it's just working for the consulting firm I received (and still am) SO MANY RESUMES from people wanting a job there that I just deleted them, and don't want to impose on someone the same way. But...I suppose how many of them found jobs that way? I have many people who said good things about me on my LinkedIn site, plus my contact may know their contact, so what better way to find a job. I guess I'm talking myself into it. So what if I'm a nuisance, these are hard times.

Speaking of hard times, I try to tell Mark the economy is bad, but he doesn't seem to want to hear about how bad it is. He usually rebukes it when we're talking about my search for a job. Other than that, he'll admit it, but instead of saying "it must be hard", "I know you're going through a tough time finding a job", he stays upbeat and says "the economy isn't that bad", "there are plenty of jobs out there" (for a recruiter who finds people for open positions at companies? is he crazy?) and things like that. Perhaps he is truly trying to stay positive, but it's made me start to cry at times, like he doesn't think I'm doing enough, like I should already have a job since I'm "smart enough" he says (not the already part). "You're smart enough, you'll figure it out", he says in a sing song voice. What about a pinch of compassion? Where is that? I guess I need to "pull myself up by my bootstraps" and plug along. Perhaps in this situation, it really is the best thing. I'm not talking about a mental illness, I'm talking about finding a job. It's two totally different things. I'm not so mentally ill that I can NOT work or can NOT find a job, not at all.

The only thing is....I'm embarrassed about my weight. I wear a size 14 now, but, on a positive note, I started Nutrisystem on December 26th (day after Christmas). I weigh for the first time since starting tomorrow. I can't find a suit that fits me for an interview, so what do I do? Go to a....uhmmm..."larger ladies" store? I have no experience with this. I weigh the same as Mark does, and he is 6'0"! 165 (.5 last Friday). And man is he obsessed with his weight. He runs every day for about an hour - at least 7 miles, I think. And eats JUNK for every meal, I mean hamburgers, nachos, a whole medium pizza, you name it. No wonder I gained so much weight! I don't want to blame him, he was running it off, but I was eating what he was eating, now I'm not. It's kind of nice not to be eating junk food every meal like I was - I was sick of it.

But...strangely enough, and maybe it's just a coincidence, when I changed my diet, I got sick. I spent an entire day in bed, which is weird for me to be *that sick*, although I did down a few Seroquel to keep me asleep (which I won't do again because it made me STARVING). It's a cold/flu kind of thing right after Christmas that's still with me. I think a complete change in diet is powerful enough to make you sick, don't you? However, it is flu season....

I'm still playing my online game, but....I'm not so excited by it. With the expansion pack, I did manage to reach the top level really quickly, but...I find myself stopping and looking for movie after movie to watch on television while Mark plays. I can watch whatever I want because he's totally engrossed in the game. And, my "guild" is very adamant about "raiding" every Sun-Thursday starting at 6:45p, and I don't really like to "raid" that much, so I get offline way before then and don't log back on until the next day. That's a good way to keep me off the game, yes?

I had thought for 2009 it would be no World of Warcraft at all, but then I decided I would just do one goal at a time and focus on that - staying on the Nutrisystem diet. I can't make 5 goals and expect to keep them all, that's too much. I would disappoint myself. My goal for this week is to acclimate myself into the diet, and perhaps next week it will be to gradually work exercise into my routine (I have a routine? haha).

I'm very obsessed with news lately, maybe because it's something to do rather than play World of Warcraft. I must admit I have a lot of time on my hands, and Mark has suggested I volunteer. Where? To do what? He's left that up to me, until I find a job, and has said so many people would love to be in my position, with time on my hands able to volunteer.

I'll look into that next week, I guess.

I don't think I'm depressed, maybe the new diet has added some "hope" into my life. I'm actually doing something positive for myself, moving forward, not back. It's a small (but feels large) step, but a step in the right direction.

Don't think I don't cry, though. Just writing this post makes me want to cry, and I don't know why. Maybe putting down how pitiful my life is and the reality of it all is hard. But I have it much better than many - our house isn't being foreclosed and we're not having money problems, Mark's job seems secure, we had a good holiday season as far as I can tell, and I have someone that really loves me. Isn't that all anyone needs, really?

I've been employed since the beginning of November - 0 interviews thus far. I'm hoping it's because of the holidays. For a recruiter, when no jobs are out there, who needs a recruiter to find candidates for open positions? Hardly anyone, and I'm sure the competition is fierce. It's okay though, I don't have interview clothes because I look to FAT in anything I try on, and I may feel more comfortable going to a larger women's store and getting their smallest size clothes. I think they will look better on me anyway - they know how to make you look slimmer, I hope. I'm just not educated in this area and don't know where to go.

I got my nutrisystem food in the mail tonight, and think I will start the day after Christmas. I don't want to start just to fail by Christmas dinner that I make for Mark and I, and having Christmas Eve dinner at his family's house. It seems like a waste and I want to see results as soon as I start, not defeat. I'm excited to begin, but I'm also trying to make sure I don't ruin my motivation right now.

I've been playing World of Warcraft a lot, but not as much lately. It's gotten boring. I don't understand the point, but it's something to do.

My mood? Pretty flat-lined. I get depressed (maybe sad is a better word) easily, but it doesn't last. Not even a whole day.

I'm trying to shower every day, but it's more like every other day. That needs to change. By reading my nutrisystem guide, I need to make myself and taking care of myself a priority, and I would assume that would be bathing daily (lol).

My eyes since Lasik have had mixed results. My right eye is great - my left eye, not so much, but I've been warned about my left eye. Don't get me wrong - MAJOR HUGE IMPROVEMENT - I can see without glasses/contacts in both eyes, it's just a comparison between the two. My left eye was very high in astigmatism and needed a lot more correction, so they said it would be slower to heal. At times, I feel like I want to take out my contacts and put on my glasses because it feels like I'm wearing one contact in my right eye only. Obviously, I'm not wearing contacts. The surgery was more invasive and freakier than I could ever have imagined, but if my left eye stays like this, I can't just let it go, it has to be fixed. I can't see myself getting used to this. I wonder if that will require another surgery. If so, then that's what I'll have to have done. Whatever will give me perfect vision is what I need to do, I shouldn't procrastinate on this or let it go like other things in my life.

My mood is up and down, I never know what I am, actually. The holidays aren't especially depressing for me, maybe because Mark and I are barely celebrating them. I'm not much in the holiday spirit, and don't need to be. I think right now that may be the healthy route to go. Holidays are so stressful, Christmas is the kicker for me. This is probably what I need right now.

If I would just lose weight, I would feel more confident about myself, but I need to be certain of one thing - it won't solve all my problems. I have a workbook from nutrisystem that seems pretty good that I'll work on weekly as suggested. The first thing is to list why you want to lose weight, and to keep reflecting back on that for motivation. All the "possible" reasons they listed pretty much applied to me, but I only have 4 spaces to write something in. I get winded climbing up stairs, I want to look decent (good would be stellar) in a bathing suit this summer, I want to wear cute clothes, get my self confidence back (BIG ONE), like shopping for clothes again, so many reasons. They talk about easing into increased activity, thank God. In Day 1, if they wanted me on this stressful physical regime, I wouldn't be so excited to start.

Mark has been supportive about nutrisystem without saying I'm fat. Just like "if this is something you want to do, ok, but I want you to follow through and not quit." I do that quite often - try something for a bit then bail, and be obligated to paying membership fees or whatever.

The WalGreens pharmacy SCREWED ME! And they won't take responsibility! I take 60 100mg of Zonegran a month, and I didn't notice it, but they gave me a smaller bottle for this refill. Halfway through the prescription, I was out and couldn't understand it until I saw the size of the bottle. I don't stop and count the number of pills every time I get a refill, but know people who do. It just seems too obsessive compulsive to me, but maybe this has happened to me. The pills obviously couldn't have fit into the bottle, I called the pharmacy, explained the situation, and was told a "fill in" pharmacist was there tonight, I would have to speak with the pharmacist tomorrow to lodge a complaint. WHAT THE HELL ABOUT TONIGHT? I said "so go without my medication tonight?", and he said "I'm not telling you to do that, just to talk to the pharmacist tomorrow since we have a 'fill-in' for tonight" to complain. My insurance won't cover another Zonegran prescription until Friday (which I'm assuming is tomorrow), but why should they pay for it when WALGREENS SCREWED UP! I have old bottles showing much larger bottles from the past for this prescription, and the small one they gave me this time. Why in the world why I abuse Zonegran? It has no immediate benefits that I am aware of or have tried. I've never gone a night without it, so we'll see what happens. I may need to switch pharmacies. I was FURIOUS earlier, so mad I could hardly think or do anything. I had to take a couple of klonipin - it had me in a paralytic state, not able to think about anything else, and just sitting on the kitchen floor. My husband was scouring the house for old medication bottles hoping to find one with a few in it, but no luck. I would gladly pay for a prescription tonight and get a refund tomorrow, but don't even know if that's an option. I'm sure Zonegran is quite pricey, but I guess I can see what happens if I skip a dose and how I feel tomorrow. Hope I'm not puking my guts out or so dizzy I can't get out of bed.

I really hope NutriSystem works. It's not my "last hope", but a hope nonetheless. Last time I lost about 50 pounds with the help of phentermine. I'm not using any drugs this time, and need to lose 38. That was a big factor of gaining weight - stopping phentermine, maybe? And Mark's eating out through drive-thru's constantly, with me getting my meals that way. No more for that. I'll still go with him though, and we'll still have dinner together on Fridays. I'll just make better choices.

I'm glad Obama won! If anything, it brings hope to me that things will change for that better, and you can't buy "hope".

I went to the doctor today for Lasik Surgery pre-stuff (what do I call it?). I already have the surgery scheduled for tomorrow (Friday), and I'm scared to death. Mark is out of town, and they will be picking me up and taking me home from my surgery. He's in these all day/night meetings, and I called him because I felt so horrible and was about to start crying, and he kept a sing-song voice on, talking about how this was such a positive move for me, etc. Sometimes I just want my feelings validated. That yes, it's normal for me to be scared. Yes, it's okay. He'll be worried about me and please call him as soon as I can once the procedure is over. Why wasn't any of that said? Just praises for the surgery? I only want someone to UNDERSTAND sometimes. Maybe be by my side, if not physically, then emotionally. But that didn't happen. He brushed my concerns aside with positive reinforcement. That's all well and good, but I need some comfort right now, and I have none. Just thinking about that conversation right now is making me start to cry. Why couldn't he just BE there for me emotionally???

Yes, this is elective and I am choosing to have it done, but my gosh, it's the night before the surgery! Am I making the right decision, will I regret this forever, what will happen tomorrow, will I be able to see at all for days, or ever? They gave me all of the information in the office, but who knows what is true and what is a sales pitch. Mark said this is nothing like my sinus surgery or my multiple-female-issues surgery where they made an incision from almost one hip bone to the next, but I wasn't worried about those, and I don't know why. I guess because they were necessary and...it wasn't my freaking VISION.

I'm totally freaking out about this too much, and I've taken all my nighttime meds, klonipin, and snuck a vicadon in that was prescribed for after the surgery. If it helped, my God, how bad would I have been?

I guess I'm just very lonely, or at least I feel that way right now. Really, really lonely.

I like my new 'do, it's different, but not TOO different, just kind of trendy different. It does give me a little bit more self confidence, I guess.

My biggest thing now is my weight. I was thinking of checking into nutrisystem (is that right?) where they mail you your meals and you just eat what they give you. I don't know how that will work when I have a Seroquel binge. Maybe I could save up the meals and eat them then instead. I don't know that we can afford that right now with me not having a job, but....I have to pay for my meals anyway, and I usually eat fast food, so would there really be any cost difference anyway?

I'll try and post tomorrow about my surgery, if I can see well enough to type on a computer. If not, I'll update when I can.

Thanks for listening, dear blog.

Here's a new fave song that cheers me up for some reason : )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84_wLEyntV4

I haven't posted in a long time, I guess because the expansion pack to World of Warcraft came out. Like dorks, I made Mark wait in line with me at midnight to buy it, with nerds from all over the area. I was thinking..."so this is the person that kicks my butt?" about everyone.

I'm still unemployed, and have lowered my job standards. It looks as though I'll need to take an agency job over a corporate recruiter job. Even those jobs aren't ringing off the hook. I'm so shocked. Before, when I posted my resume, I got many calls. Now, nothing. I guess when the economy is in a downturn and companies are laying off, the last thing they need is a Recruiter. Thus, my dilemma. It's especially hard for me to find a job when people aren't hiring, as they don't need someone to help them hire.

I still don't miss my last job though, although the money was outstanding - more than I've ever made, yet it came with a cost. A contract job where they could they had no loyalty to you whatsoever, and you were the first to go. I know I didn't pour my heart and soul into that job - I hated it! I now know the Big-5 Consulting world is not for me. I've tried it twice now, and twice I've seen that we don't gel. But where will I be happy? I'm wondering if such a place exists.

I tried on clothes to interview in today, and can't believe how much weight I've gained. I would have bought something if one of the fatass sizes I took into the dressing room actually fit, but it didn't. A pair of jeans were too tight around the waist, but were okay otherwise and were on sale, so I did buy those. I have nothing to interview in if someone calls me tomorrow to set something up. No, I have not had a SINGLE INTERVIEW, but I just lowered my standards maybe yesterday, so hopefully I'll have some soon.

It's almost 4:00a, and I've been up since 11:00p. I went to bed at 8:00p with practically a migraine, I guess from sinuses. It is that time of year I guess - weather changes, sinus infections, etc.

Without a job, my sleep is just now starting to get "messed up". However, when Mark is home, which he's not this week but is almost all the time, I do sleep regularly. My eating habits are erratic though, which I know is not helping my weight.

After being a practical "recluse" for year, working from home, I wonder how I'll do on an interview - real life contact with a person who is judging me for a job. I guess it depends on that person's demeanor. And how confident I feel about my appearance - I feel pretty confident about my skills.

I did get my hair cut/highlighted today, which is a BIG move for me, and do you know that the high end salon I went to didn't take a VISA card? How dumb is that? They took cash, check, American Express, and their own credit card. How slimy is that to get you to apply for their credit card? I don't use checks, have an AmEx, or carry around that kind of cash. I'm probably in the majority here.

Other than having low self confidence about my appearance, I think I'm doing okay. Trying to level to 80 in World of Warcraft quickly is a goal, but so is finding a job. I hate to think that Mark is worrying about money, it KILLS me. I guess we're doing okay - if we're not, I don't think he would tell me. He would never want me to worry, although I wish he would. We could share it, although I tend to overreact and let it get to me pretty bad. When our house was about to go into foreclosure, it sent me to the psychiatrist. Maybe that's normal, I don't know.

I'll try to update my blog more often. Tomorrow I have a consultation for Lasik Surgery (for a Christmas present). I hope none of my medications get in the way.

Since being told my contract was ending on the 7th (Friday), I have been so anxious about work that I can't even work, such as answer the phone or check email. It seems so pointless and I feel ashamed, with everyone knowing they've "let me go". Mark doesn't understand why I have such strong feelings about it, and keeps saying "It was a CONTRACT!", reminding me that's the reason I was paid so much more, and they decided not to renew. Yes, the company is doing poorly, and yes, jobs are more scarce for Recruiters to fill. The ones that are there are being redistributed among recruiters to try and help everyone meet their goals, but I know they are not, and even received an email stating as much.

I've cried, been depressed, and have worried about what I would do if Mark just kicked me out. It's hard for me to be dependant on someone else. Yesterday, I had a headache so bad that I'm sure it was a migraine - I had a sick stomach from it. I'm thinking it was from nerves? I felt so "panicky" on Friday night that I just cried, and on Sunday too, and Mark kept asking what was wrong with me. But what am I going to say? "Mark, what if you decide you don't love me anymore and want to break up? What if you no longer respect me? What if I have to take care of myself?". I can't say those things. When trying to guess what I might be thinking out of frustration, that was actually one thing he said, but I didn't acknowledge it, I just kept crying, and he kept getting madder out of frustration.

Since yesterday, I started taking Abilify again - 10mg. It's worked to get me out of serious depression in the past, it just has side effects that I don't like that always makes me stop taking it when I feel better. I decided the side effects were worth it to get me through this period. Even if I got a little manic, well that would be wonderful! Key word - "little". But right now, I think because I doubled my Seroquel to sleep last night with that headache, all I want to do is lounge around. I did look for jobs all morning and into the afternoon.

I've put my resume on about 4 job sites, and have applied for many jobs. If someone actually called for an interview for a position I wanted, I'd have to rush around to prepare. I'd at least need to get my hair cut/colored and buy an outfit. I really need to get contacts too (I just have one disposable one for my right eye), but I don't know that there would be time. Nails done would be good too. But TECHNICALLY, I still have a job this week. In actuality, I'm not working, I just can't face it. The same person, I don't know who it is, keeps calling me over and over, since Friday, and I don't know who it is, just that they're from work. I mean, maybe 4 times a day, and somehow, they have my cell number too because they call it directly afterwards, and that's not even on my signature in my work email anymore, although it used to be.

I think I've had 3-4 calls about jobs now, but none have even been close to what I want. I'm not trying to be TOO picky, but they really are no-brainers about liking them. One required me to relocate, another was a contract, which I really don't want to take again, and paid almost (a little more) than half of what I'm making now in a field of recruiting that I don't like, and the third I can think of was no base pay, all commission. See what I mean? Yuck. The positions that I have applied for - they're not calling me back.

I read an email from a recruiting group I'm subscribed to about "where have all the recruiting jobs gone?". I know where they've gone - they've dried up from a bad economy.

I was playing World of Warcraft a lot, but I haven't played much since Sunday. Maybe it was my headache yesterday and the maintenance today, or maybe it's no longer something that distracts me. We'll see in the next few weeks, I guess.

I lost my job today. I started to cry, but it wasn't in me. Mark is home this week on vacation, just hanging around the house, and he has been incredibly supportive.



The thing is, I've hated this job for a long time now. And I've been a contractor, with no feedback, no work friends, for a year, working from home while almost everyone else lives in other cities. It really doesn't matter if they do live here, I don't go into the office anyway, and neither do most of them.



My kind-of-manager told me that I could use her as a reference, that they were trying to shift resources around (there are less jobs for recruiters), and that is true. My own workload has changed dramatically. And my contract was up, Mark convinced me. It was time to renew for another 6 months.



The thing is, I know that I didn't pour my heart into this job. I didn't even like it. I didn't want to do it, but they paid me a lot of money and I'm lazy and got to stay home.



Now I have to go out and buy an entire new wardrobe (not get crazy, I don't know where I'll be working, IF I can find a job), get my hair done, buy contacts, make a "whole new me" that's presentable. I can't take off this size 12 weight, that's the crappy part and what most concerns me. And I can't make myself younger than my 40 years old.



I've already updated my resume, and it's on Monster. I've applied for all the decent positions I could find (3 or 4?), but I guess I need to put it on a few more boards, too.



But what would happen if I landed an interview in a few days? I'm not prepared! No clothes, no hair, no contacts, no....confidence. I'm not ready. I hardly have enough sweats to wear through the week. I just bought a pair of jeans, so I have ONE pair of jeans - ONE! I can't believe I've gained so much weight.



The interesting part is that my old co-worker sent me an email this morning, before I found out I was being let go, saying that I should come back to my last place of employment. Very strange timing. But I do miss working with her and my other friend...is that a good enough reason to go back somewhere?

I need to find a job fast so my resume doesn't have a gap in it (and for the obvious, financial reasons), but can I pull myself together, emotionally and physically, fast enough to land one? On the financial front, we'll be okay, but...what a waste of space I've become. I think I've been a waste of space for some time now.

I was so depressed and anxious all day that when Mark got home from work, I just broke down and started crying. He hates when I cry, and when I went to bed (not for the night), he followed me and rubbed my back, asking what was wrong, and I just told him my whole life. He asked was he so awful, and no, he's not. He is mostly wonderful to me. He asked what more could I want, and I don't know! There's so many things I do NOT want! Things ABOUT me that I hate! I can't tell him this, it's too revealing. It's like exposing your deepest secrets for someone to judge and see you the way you see yourself. I could never take that chance - what if he doesn't see it, and I bring it up, and suddenly he does?

I haven't showered in 2 days, and I hate my job. I want to quit, but I don't want to go into the office every day, mainly because I'm so FAT, and because working from home affords me the luxury to sleep in if I get a "Seroquel hangover". I just started taking 50mg from 100mg last night in a last ditch effort to stop eating so much at night, hoping that is the reason I keep gaining weight.

I know there's a lot further down the road I could be in regards to depression. I'm able to function, mostly. I didn't work at all yesterday - just played World of Warcraft, so is that really functioning? I don't have any responsibilities, really - Mark does EVERYTHING. How do I know if I'm actually "functioning"? By taking a shower? Then I'm failing again, when I was winning in that area. But all of a sudden, I don't have anything that fits, and I don't know what to wear if I do take a shower. That's not a good excuse, though.

Mark asked if I was depressed chemically last night. How do you know? If I was, I wouldn't know it. You attach the emotions to things that are real, and it doesn't seem chemical at all.

I finally got out of bed from feeling guilty with Mark trying to make me feel better, knowing he couldn't, and took 6 klonipin. Yes I know that's a lot, but my system has built up a tolerance for it. I must admit, it did make me a bit "out of it", but some of the pain went away. At least the anxiety part was gone, if not the depression.

We went to bed, and I couldn't sleep, so I got up to eat my breakfast as I hadn't eaten all day. It wasn't from trying to lose weight, I just didn't have an appetite. I played World of Warcraft, and eventually my eyes kept closing, so I finally went to bed for good.

Is it because I'm isolated all day? Is it the worry that I'm going to lose my job? Because I am worried - I don't have many jobs to recruit for, I'm not going to make my number of hires goal this month, and jobs keep getting "cut" that are on my "plate". I've thought about looking for another job - but there's the weight issue again. I feel so self-conscious about it. No, I don't weigh 200 pounds or anywhere near that, but Mark is such a health nut and runs about 7 miles a day that it freaks me out. In addition, I'm not a spring chicken anymore. I turned 40 this year - who wants to hire someone who's not young and seemingly vibrant? I *am* and *can be* vibrant, but how do you project that when you're old and fat? Once again, Mark is 32 and makes me feel so freaking ancient! Never by words, if I ever bring up age, he says he always thinks of us as being the same age. I STILL have not muttered the words to Mark "I am 40 now". I'm sure he knows it, but neither of us have verbalized it.

We did get approval for refinancing from Bank of America on our house, but have to put down a fortune to do it, I'm assuming because of the "credit crisis". That's good news - to get out of this ARM loan that so many people are getting foreclosed in their homes in that type of loan.

What other good news do I have. None. Nothing. I'm just a dark hovering cloud of unhappiness, unable to see the good in the world, and scour for anything negative to foster the feelings I have inside.

I hate my job, myself, and my life. I want out, but there's no way out. I'm drowning, and there's no one to save me. I have to live this alone, keep it inside, with no one to understand or even share how I feel.

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, but what am I supposed to do? "Pull myself up by my bootstraps?" So easy to say, yet is it impossible to do?

I'm trapped. I'm lost. I have nowhere to turn, but I want out. Out of what? Out of THIS, whatever it is I occupy every day - day in and day out!!!!

I am so....HURT, MAD, UPSET, LONELY, I don't even know the full realm of emotions I'm feeling. It's just excruciating, and I want it to go away.

Medication. Take lots of it. That's all I know, but really, what changes? Nothing. Eventually, it will all circle around and come back to this. THIS! A horrible world I live in that I really don't want to - I merely exist, to myself, and seemingly to those around me, what few there are.

What makes us HAVE to live? Why do we HAVE to go on? Who takes pleasure in seeing us suffer. because surely, something good MUST come of it.

I hate myself, everything about me. There's not a single thing I would keep about myself if I could choose one thing.

My life, there's not a single thing in it I would keep either. I'm FURIOUS with Mark tonight. Maybe he's getting the backlash of everything I'm feeling inside, I don't know. But how could I? He's NOT EVEN HOME, and he's in Texas, not Illinois!

He called after having dinner, "supposedly", with his work friends from Illinois, and then called to say he was going for "after dinner drinks". Isn't that a polite way of saying "we're going out drinking"? What a jackass. And to top it off! He knew I was sad when he called, he detected it in my voice and I didn't deny it, but did he offer to come home? No! Would I have done that to him? Never! Especially to a girl that's been committed to a psych ward for being suicidal? HELLO? Maybe that's asking for "special treatment", but when there's been a history of depression, my God...

And I DO, very much DO want to end my life tonight. No, I'm not considering it, actually thinking about how and when and the particulars. I just want to, like I've said before, cease to exist, but maybe it goes beyond that. I don't want to live. That's going a bit further, isn't it. I don't want this life. I don't like ME. I don't want to have to suffer through this anymore. Why does it have to be this way?

Mark is refinancing the house. When I got my inheritance, I dutifully put it in our joint savings account. With the credit crisis the way it is, the bank is asking for a LOT, I mean a LOT of money to refinance the house for a low interest rate and because our house isn't exactly a "starter home" and we wanted it with a good, solid bank. Mark just assumes that the money in the savings account is for refinancing the house and is ready to spend all of it on that, WITHOUT ASKING ME if I'm okay with spending my inheritance on that! What if I'm not? Do I not have ANY RIGHTS anymore? And you know what he said? "I guess I won't get to buy a new treadmill now." WTF? All of my inheritance going for the fucking house, and he doesn't get to buy a new treadmill? He refuses to take me on a vacation. He tells me to keep my job that I hate. He's not EVEN HOME RIGHT NOW. And when I say "so we won't have any savings?", he said, well, there's always YOUR account that you haven't been spending any money for months, and I'm sure you won't by the time we need it, either. I have to use that STUPID ACCOUNT for anything - to buy a pair of jeans, to get a haircut, to buy makeup, to purchase a video game, any little thing like that. It can NOT come out of our joint checking. So...I've neglected to take care of myself, and guess what? The money has added up quite a bit.

I'm just pissed. And the cherry on the cake?

My mother using my 6% of the house I own like she owns it herself. She blatantly lives in a house with MY NAME ON THE DEED without worry or concern that I own part of it - not caring what I think or that I'm entitled to my portion. She gets a free house to live in, and I get....to give my MOTHER my 6% to live in for free. Yay me, the shitty mother that couldn't have cared for me worse. She found the worst stepdad in the world and married him until I was 16, watching everything he did, telling me I deserved it. Maybe the fact that she was a DRUG ADDICT didn't help things? And SHE doesn't speak to ME because she can't get over the fact that I left when I was 16, she was a drug addict and living with a DRUG DEALER?

Yeah, that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside, to know that she is stomping all over me right now and it probably makes her feel good. She probably thinks she got the "last laugh". I guess she did.

I played World of Warcraft instead of working again today. I just can't deal. I can't cope. I can't take it.

This is pure misery and hell for me. Like I said, it's not so much what happens to you, it's how you take it, and I'm not exactly a ray of sunshine right now. Not that the woman at the corner store would know.

Yesterday, instead of working, I spent the entire day playing World of Warcraft. I rarely even answered the phone when it rang. I'm totally addicted again since I created a new character and want to level it before the expansion comes out in November. I've grown "attached" to it, unfortunately.

The situation with my name, and 3 other people in my family that I don't speak to, on the deed to the house that my mother is living in is becoming a nightmare. I called an attorney in the small town where she lives to try and get my name off the deed, and hopefully collect my share of the money, since that is what the trust dictated - not to be deeded! I can't believe SHE is living in a house scott-free while 56% of it is owned by other people! And she's FINE with it - with having our names on the house she occupies!

The thing that *I* don't like is I am partially responsible for making sure the taxes get paid, the house is insured, etc. Growing up with a mother that was a drug addict when I moved out at 16, has never owned a home in her entire life, do you think I trust her to do these things? OF COURSE NOT! I want my name off the deed, but...I want my money too. It's not fair if I just "deed" the house to my uncle or brother to get it off my back.

Now that it's "deeded", I don't think it's going to be as easy as sending my mother letters from an attorney, and simply (haha - simply) suing her for my portion. I may have to ask all of the people on the deed to buy me out, or...I don't know.

I just want this to be over with, I wish it didn't exist, it puts me in a bad, depressed mood. At times I get obsessed over it and it's all I can think or talk about.

Maybe that's why I've been so addicted to World of Warcraft. It totally takes my mind off the house and my mother. I need SOMETHING to escape this rotten situation that consumes me. With anger. Hatred. Seething rage.

My BMW is finally finished, out of the body shop from slamming my car into a curb. Two weeks later, $8000 later as well. Mark said I was "drunk" from medication - could it be this whole "housing" (mother, not financial institution) crisis? It was obviously poor judgement, and maybe just an accident waiting to happen all of these years.

I just spoke with Mark - I've got to take a shower so we can meet at the car rental place and go to pick up my car.

I guess my luck could be much, much worse, but it's all in how you take it, right? I'm not taking it so well these days.

I was SO depressed over the weekend and yesterday. I was consumed by the fact of having to sue my mother over my percentage of the house. I was so depressed, in fact, that Mark characterized it as my "shutting down" over the weekend, just going to bed, and he even did my only weekly "chore" - the laundry - without complaining or even asking me to do it.

I *did* run out of Adderall and took my last one on Friday, so maybe that was part of it (I hope). I took one this morning, and so far so good.

I was so completely consumed yesterday that I didn't even work! I'm sure I have a ton of emails and phone messages, and I just pray that I'm not in trouble and nothing critical happened. I had to go to the doctor to get my Adderall prescription, and I called an attorney about sorting over the whole house business, so my day was pretty full. I couldn't concentrate on work, anyway.

I haven't spoken to the attorney about what to do yet. He just got all of the pages of my fax last night, so I'll call him late this morning to see if he's had a chance to read the trust and make an assessment. He's already told me that if I can't work it out with the bank, then I'll have to go to trial against my mother, it will be very confrontational, and will cost thousands of dollars. I will also have to get an attorney in Kansas, not Texas, and the house is in a po-dunk town, away from any large cities.

I haven't seen my mother since I was 18 years old. How will I deal with this? Can I handle it? I've tried to give the situation to God, but can't seem to let go. It's as if I do, nothing will get done. Maybe I'm thinking of it the wrong way. Giving a situation to God doesn't mean to not do anything, it just means to put your trust in Him, that "giving it to God" means His will will be done. What is His will isn't my will? What if he wants my mother to be "given", "hand-fed", my portion of the house? To have my name on the deed when I don't even trust that she'll buy insurance for the house?

I'm worried about not working at all yesterday - that something crucial happened, I missed it, and someone/some people tried to contact me all day yesterday. I'm worried about confronting my mother about the house. I'm worried about my weight. I'm worried, worried, worried.

And disgusted with myself.

I was actually thinking on Sunday...how smart my aunt was when she took her life. To find an old farmhouse in Kansas to take her life, so her family wouldn't find her in the house. The worst possible thing would be for Mark to find me.

See how depressed I was? I hope it was the Adderall and that I'll be better now.

I've had 2 glasses of wine, but that hasn't detered my willpower to do what I must do.

I have to sue my mother. Please don't go on with "but she's your MOTHER". She had 16 years to be a mother to me. I said "goodbye" to her many years ago, per a counselor's advice.

The trust has ended, she remains in the house that I now own a percentage of per the trust. She hasn't left. She hasn't sent me my percentage. I have no recourse. I could let her stay in the house, for free, with my name "on the deed" and just "look the other way", letting her have a handout, as she's had ALL HER LIFE, or I could sue, and hopefully, the attorney will see it my way per the document.

I haven't called an attorney. Only because I worked my ass off today and it's now 7:00p on a Friday night after Mark and I went to dinner. Let's say my uncle takes her to court and he gets his percentage - they won't give me MY percentage - they'll just order her to give him his.

I found out from the Bank that my brother sent an email to the trust officer saying that either myself or both of us (I wasn't exactly sure) are estranged from my mother, and that he just wanted his money, not his name on a deed. My brother is an attorney himself, interesting, huh? It doesn't matter, my brother will do what is best for him: get HIS percentage, as he should. It won't mean that it will snowball into my mother paying me what is owed to me.

I can't IMAGINE how furious my uncle is, with the largest percentage of the house, and her just living there, for free, while we all own a majority of it.

Mark told me he would never live in a house with even HIS parent's name on the deed, and he can't imagine she would be the same way - with my name on the deed. I asked him "is he freaking kidding?". Like she cares about a piece of paper? NO WAY! She cares about a "free ride"! She doesn't care that she lives in a house with MY name on it - she only cares about what's GIVEN her. She's never owned a house in her life - never paid taxes, insurance, ANYTHING. What's a deed to her? She only cares about a place to live. For FREE.

Yes, she got her sum of money from the trust. Honestly? I know it's gone. She's been waiting for this for 12 long years - she's had that money earmarked for quite some time. Does she have the money to pay the 3 of us off for the house? I doubt it.

Would I kick her out for my small percentage? I don't know that I would even have the authority. She owns more than I do. If I could? Yes, I would. Not willingly, only if an attorney advised me to do so. The message? NO MORE FREE RIDE, especially on my name and on my watch. But I don't want to be around when it happens, just told about it in a cold way, very short and sweet, by an attorney.

I'm going to get an attorney, find out his or her opinion, and if he thinks it's wise, move forward. I don't want to do anything myself, just let him or her handle it all on his/her own. Get updates as they happen. That's why they get paid, right? So I don't have to do anything?

And in the end, yes, I will have sued my mother. 20 years later, will I be sorry? No. It's already 20 years later since I've seen her. Am I sorry? No.

It's 1:30 in the afternoon, and I've hardly worked today. I can almost say I haven't at all. After taking double my nighttime medications last night, all I could do, or want to do, is sleep. I'm now drinking coffee which is a stimulant, and I'm wondering how smart that is? Maybe it would be better not to drink it and stay in la-la land.

I did eat breakfast though at 8:30a. I drove to McDonald's, on the freeway, with my eyes barely able to stay open. People on the freeway may have thought I was drunk, but I was hungry and thirsty, with nothing to eat or drink at home. I got a huge breakfast, ate most of it, a huge drink, drank most of it, and went back to bed. I've been up and down out of bed the past few hours, but once I get up, I realize I can't work or talk to people without slurring my speech, and go back to bed.

Right now? I'm just "out of it". I feel very fat for some reason, like I can't fit into my shorts or sweatpants, and my head is cloudy. My eyes are blurry, and I have NO ENERY, nor desire to do anything. But go back to bed and maybe sleep.

Work? That seems impossible right now. THAT is why I'm drinking coffee. To give me energy, strength, willpower.

Was it so smart to take so much medication last night? I know I was in a "bad place", but look where it put me TODAY.

I feel intense anger, anxiety....I don't know how to describe it. I can't pinpoint it on anything - it's nothing, it's EVERYTHING. I took my nighttime meds, and.....nothing. So I took them again. I'm in SO MUCH PAIN - but not the depression kind. It's painful, very much so, all the same. And uncontrollable.

Is it possible that something "triggered" this? Yes, I got angry yesterday when I received a letter in the mail. I don't want to get into a long story here, but I recently received a letter from my trust fund (that just ended) regarding the last asset: my late grandparent's house, the one my mother is (I assume) living in. The one she was supposed to move out in 6 months when the trust was up, or buy the other trustees out. What did the letter say? That the DEED to the house was being put in all of our names!

I don't want a DEED to that house be in my F'ING NAME! I want nothing to do with them, and just want out - I want to be bought out or have the house sold and get my portion! I don't want HER to be living in that house, for free, as she's been doing for the last 12 or so years, when I now own a percentage of it. Per the trust, she was to live in it during the "trust period" of about 12 years, and then leave (for it to sell) or buy us out. It hasn't happened!

No, I don't have a relationship with my mother. Well, I take that back. If you include a hate relationship, then yes, I do. We haven't spoken in years and years, I haven't seen her since I was 18, and she tells lies about me to everyone. Am I bitter? You bet your ass I am.

The things that happened to me growing up are despicable, and I often wonder if it's the reason I'm bipolar. They say that your environment can cause mental illness, and in this case, I have enough reason to declare that may be a fact.

I'm writing all of this in my overwhelming anger right now, so please forgive me if this sounds overly hostile.

But again, the LETTER. It said that the insurance for the house would end at the end of October. So I called and inquired if anyone was living there. I mean, OBVIOUSLY *I* am not going to buy insurance for the house if someone is living there, and ABSOLUTELY I am not going to work with these people to sort out each of our payments together to insure it. If they contact me, their letters will promptly be filed in the trash. Anyways, the woman did not know if someone was living there, but verified my mother's letter was sent to the home's address, meaning...she still lives there! No one has kicked her ass out!

Mark said it's really not a bank's job to kick someone out of a house - that's for the cops or the justice of the peace. But the trust is very clear in this matter, and being that they were/are the power of attorney, shouldn't they have taken matters into their own hands, instead of putting my name ON THE DEED???

My percentage of the house is very small, it's the principle. My uncle, on the other hand, is as greedy as she is (I know how I must sound right now, but it's not about the money, it's about HER living in part of MY house for FREE) and he owns the same portion that she does. Mark said sometimes it's better to let other people fight your enemies, and he's convinced my uncle will do battle with her. After all, several years ago she hired an attorney against him because he kept "dipping his hands" into the trust for "emergency purposes", and she wanted to make sure that the amount he took was taken out of his portion at the end of the trust. See how greedy they both are? And the funny thing? I saw the amount of money we were each allocated about a month ago, and he got the same amount as she did. Her attempts at hiring an attorney against my uncle were fruitless. This is why Mark thinks my uncle will fight the battle for me regarding the house.

This must be SO BORING to anyone other than me or my (shall I even call them this?) family.

But now...I'm FURIOUS over EVERYTHING! The financial crisis the country is in - I can't contain myself! The presidential campaign - I can't even watch or read ANYTHING because I get too angry. The tiniest bit SETS ME OFF.

Right now, I'm just ANGRY. And I'm not thinking about anything in particular. I just feel ANGRY. Like...eyeballs bulging out angry.

I told Mark how I felt, that I wish there was a crisis line I could call or something, but there's not. I told him to go to bed, because we would just end up fighting. But then he went to bed, and I started to cry, because how can he just go to bed when I feel so overwhelmingly in PAIN? He just abandoned me when I'm in a "dark place"?

Yes, it's possible that the letter was a "trigger". This is when it started, my anger. And it's escalated over time. Taking double my nighttime meds may not help me in getting up in the morning, but maybe it will be a "jumpstart" in getting back my sanity.

And my car? The one I wrecked by "popping a curb" when I took my nighttime meds, got hungry, and went to McDonald's? It did $7400 worth of damage. I remember the tow truck guy coming, in a foggy haze, because the medication had REALLY kicked in by that time, telling me I at least had to sign some piece of paper, I have no idea what it was, and signed something, ,somewhere. I also had to give him my car key, and have no idea how I got it off the key chain. In my right mind, I have to ask someone else to take it off for me.

Did he tell the people at BMW my state of mind? That I was in a drug or alcohol haze? I wasn't really, I don't think, when I "popped the curb". My car is just really low to the ground. I know how crazy that sounds - popping a curb, air bag deployed, $7400 damage, but no big deal. But it REALLY WASN'T! I didn't even go OVER the curb! I HIT the curb! That's IT! I sat and ate french fries while I told road assistance to call a tow truck for me. That's how small it was. It was NO BIG DEAL.

Does this mean I'm spinning out of control? My actions seem to say it, but yet, there also seems to be an excuse for things.

Although, I can't stand this pain I now feel. What do I DO with it? Keep taking pill after pill until it finally subsides into blissful sleep?

Maybe it will all go away, as easily at it came. Is this serious? Is it nothing? Am I hormonal again? Am I justified in how I feel?

I don't know the answers to any of this.

I'm so disappointed with myself. I "let myself go". I feel SO OLD. Everywhere you turn, people say "40 years old this" "40 and over that". I just turned 40! Why does everyone have to make it such a crime, and like I'm SO OLD now! Supposedly all of these things are true about me, and I see pictures of women who are 40+ years old, and I think, is that REALLY what I look like? I look THAT OLD? I just don't see it in myself.

Except I'm not happy with my appearance, and it's a major drag. I feel overweight, my hair, I need contacts, clothes, and I have all the money for this, I just don't do it. I feel too ugly to be seen in public, and when I'm in public, I feel hideous.

Why does Mark stay with me? He's handsome, great hygiene, runs 7-8 miles everyday with a good physique, only 32, successful - and I don't even bathe every day.

I'm an absolute loser. I don't even work hard like I should. I get by on the very minimum I think that I can without losing my job - and even that much may not be enough. Maybe I want to get fired. Maybe I want a job out of the house that will force me to deal with my appearance issues and fix them. Take better care of myself.

I can't help but feel so completely disgusted with myself that I don't know what to do. It's a vicious cycle, and I'm like a shut-in, staying away from all human contact except Mark. That can't be attractive to him.

How do I fix this? What do I do? I have this golden opportunity - to work from home where I could do productive things with my life during the day, yet I don't. I waste the chance.

I guess it's never too late.

But maybe it is for me. In life. Has my time passed? Has youth now eluded me and I'm doomed to lose my beauty, if I haven't already? Obviously I've lost it now, but deep down, I can't help feeling that I could gain it back.

I look at younger people that I never would have thought were attractive before, and now they are, just because of their youth. I feel old and ugly, what can I say?

When will Mark wake up and realize this? Should I make the first move and just get it over with - stop worrying, decide he doesn't deserve this, and end the torture? There's NO WAY I could be making him happy. I don't contribute to the household at all except monetarily.

Is going to church the answer? I would LOVE to go, but Mark won't go with me. He's made that very clear. I want us to go as a "family". I need inspiration, my faith back, a future to look forward to, if it's only in the afterlife, a knowing that there is more to this life than living and dying.

Maybe that's what I'm missing. God. And prayer. He's never let me down before.

It REALLY disturbed me that the lady at GNC implied that I needed to lose 20 pounds. So much so that I've really cut back on how much and what I eat, take diet pills, am going to get laxatives, etc. What a bitch. She wasn't even pretty. I'm sure it's probably their job to make you feel like crap about yourself to make you buy their products, but it backfired. It just pissed me off. It's made me obsessive about losing weight, going back into the store, and being snotty to her.

Mark is home from work this week, and it's really hard to work when he's at home. I just want to play with him. He's already bored, but he had nothing planned. I want to hang out with him, but I have to work. :(

Getting into the accident on my medication (popping the curb) has really scared me and I do NOT drive while on my meds anymore. Sure, it's only been a few days, but I still can't believe I did what I did.

I don't feel like I work long or hard enough, and really want to, but I get bored. Working from home gives you all kinds of distractions. With Mark home, he now thinks my job is "cushy", working however many hours I want whenever I want. Yes, it's true, I do. And I shouldn't. It's stealing from the company, right? When I do work, I work HARD, though. Maybe that suffices.

Guess I'd better get to work - and World of Warcraft is down until 1:00p today, so I can't level my new mage, which I've had fun doing. It's something to do, anyway.

Since I have to drive by the "scene of the accident" (basically, the place where I popped a curve), I've had a chance to examine it thoroughly. I did NOT go over the curb, but I DID actually BREAK part of the curb into a few pieces. How did that happen? I totally don't understand it. Mark thinks I was going about 40-45 miles an hour. Is that so wrong? To be making a turn into a gate to your home? Sure, it's pretty fast, but I do drive fast. Yes, I was "under the influence" of my medications. Yes, I know I shouldn't drive that way. I think the ridiculousness of the whole thing hit me today when I realized the SOS Roadside Assistance that was triggered by the airbag being deployed, and while they were talking to me, asking if I needed an ambulance, I actually was talking back while eating french fries.

Is it different than when a drunk gets behind a wheel? No, it's not. I would get a DUI, he - a DWI. Both are the same, right? It's just...I don't "feel", at the time, impaired! Maybe that's how a drunk feels too, but I've BEEN drunk, and it's simply not the same! It's not the same.

Now I have to watch myself when I take my nighttime meds and am home alone (read: most of the time). I really miss my little BMW, and can't BELIEVE popping a curb will be $5k - $7k to repair.

I'm very lucky that no one was hurt, including myself, but I just POPPED A CURB! Something I've done over and over - why was this time so different? I'm sure I've even done it at a higher rate of speed.

The lady at GNC ruined my night tonight. I just wanted to go in and buy diet pills, and she gave me a lecture about diet, exercise, etc. I wanted to scream "hey lady, I lost 50 pounds, so lay off", and I finally interrupted her and asked what the most popular pill was today, and she told me. I told her I wanted that, and got the hell out of there. She said people always come in saying they want to lose 20 pounds, feel great, etc. etc. I never SAID I wanted to lose 20 pounds, why is she saying I need to? She said she had lost weight, drank protein drinks - do you know how many freaking calories are in those? I told her I ate protein bars, and she made a face. WHATEVER! She couldn't work her protein shake/vitamin scam on me and send me out the door $300+ later, and instead, I bought $50 worth of diet pills, will probably hate them, and never go back. I might even return them if they make me sick, which she said I could do.

When we were walking down the street at the mall (it's outside) this weird guy started walking up to us, and I just stared straight ahead. I didn't know what Mark did, and the guy was on his side, I was on the inside next to the stores. The guy must have known the girls behind us, and said "this guy is looking at me like I'm retarded", but he was trying to talk to us. He was saying something like "Hey man, can I ask you...", or something, I don't remember, but really trying to get our attention. I just ignored him like a person begging for money and kept walking. Without my knowledge, Mark gave him a "look" while he walked by. I thought he did what I did, but he didn't. After we got a little further, the guy yelled at him and called him an "asshole". Mark wheeled around and his chest puffed up. He was getting ready to walk back and do who knows what. He's not a fighter. So I grabbed his arm and said "Come on, what are you going to do? Kick his ass?" and pulled him along. He was pretty mad. I asked Mark what he did, and he said he gave him a "go to hell" look like he does to people who ask for money in Illinois, which he says is on every street. People in Dallas in the suburbs aren't exactly used to that - maybe downtown in Illinois, but not suburbia Texas.

To be honest? I was scared. I didn't know what the guy wanted, and he was coming right at us aggressively. My pace picked up, and I couldn't have stared more straight ahead if I tried. That's MY way of dealing with situations like that. For instance, people with signs on the corners of streets when lights are red. They start walking down the lanes, shoving their signs in your windows. I lock my doors, roll up my windows, and stare straight ahead, praying they will move on. They always have, knock on wood. When I first moved here, I was so naive. I gave EVERYONE money.

The thing is...people in the city are so calloused that they won't give people money who ask for it. They say "they're just going to buy drugs or alcohol", or "they probably make $100k a year begging for money". You know, maybe that's true. But...in the beginning, before I got so calloused, I used to think, it didn't really matter what they did with the money. God knew my intention in giving it to them, and that's what mattered.

But now, I'm scared to roll down my window and talk to them, even. I watch too many Forensic Files and American Justice shows. I used to make my ex-husband, believe it or not, give them about $20 each time we saw a "homeless person", and this was when we didn't really have it to give. I thought they needed it more than we did.

But really, I still believe, it doesn't matter what they do with the money. It's my intention that counts, right?

I finally located my car! It was at the BMW Body Shop.

See previous post for what I did - I don't feel like typing it again.

From fricking "popping a curb", get this! It will cost me $5k - $7k to repair! Whoa - what a lesson about driving under the influence of medication. But the more I think about it - I was also under the influence of driving with one hand on an ice cream cone.

Mark and the lady from the insurance company kept saying that maybe I went OVER the curb. I did NOT. I know that for a fact. I HIT the curb, and I know equivocally that it did not go over. I'm sure she was thinking the same thing I am - well then why did your air bag deploy? Yeah, I dunno, it's pretty dumb.

She has to know I'm telling the truth. She asked if I was injured, well no, of course not. I popped a freaking curb! Who gets injured from that??

The first words out of the body shop guy's mouth was "you need to call your insurance company". I was like "why?". I'm so naive about these things - getting in an accident is not something I do (unless you count the fraudulent accident where a couple hit ME and tried to claim damages against me!).

The really BAD part. I called the insurance company, and of course, they asked me a lot of questions. One of the first questions was - "what did the car look like when you inspected it?". Uhmmm....I THINK I did, and all I saw was one flat tire. She seemed incredulous that I didn't inspect it more, but I think that's all I did, if I even inspected it. I was OUT OF IT. I could hardly sign my name for the tow truck guy! I don't recall any body work needing to be done, but she offered that there may be a lot of work needed underneath.

How stupid am I - not to fully inspect my car after it being damaged. But I DOUBLED my nighttime meds! I was trying to hold it together! I know that I looked like a mess - all drugged up. Hopefully the tow truck guy isn't interviewed!

My poor car. :( I told her I needed a car while mine is being fixed, and she noted it for when a claims agent called me (within 2 hours, she said). I'll bet they won't let a BMW Body Shop fix it - it's probably too expensive. If it had to come out of mine and Mark's pocket? You'd better believe we'd have it done there! At least we'd have comfort it would be done right, and taking it to a car shop that does ANY car won't know how to exactly work on my car!

I'll trade it in, then. If it can't be fixed by BMW, I'll get it back, and trade it in.

I'm an absolute moron.

But seriously, POPPING A FREAKING CURB? Really?

I just want my car back. :(

I'm such an IDIOT! I don't blame this on being bipolar necessarily, I blame this on POOR JUDGEMENT.

I had *so much* anxiety that it was unreal last night. At 6:30p, I decided to take my nighttime meds after trying FIVE klonipin. But I went overboard, and took twice the amount. Well what do you think happened when they started to kick in?

I got extraordinarily hungry. That's when I did the bad thing. I got behind the wheel of a car. Technically, a DUI. Majorly.

All was well until I was rounding the corner to the gates that block our housing division. Somehow, and this is BIZARRE, I hit the corner SO HARD that one of the multitude of air bags in my BMW expanded. This caused the "SOS" roadside assistance in my car to trigger, and they were asking if I was okay, etc. They asked if I needed a tow truck, and I said no, then I realized, I couldn't move my car.

So I said yes, I need a tow truck, and after verifying time and again I was okay, they called one for me.

Somehow, my car "released" itself to let me drive it again, and I drove the two short street blocks to my driveway. I was so out of it that when the tow truck guy came, he said I at least had to notarize a form, which I did, then shut the door and went to bed. I remember him asking which BMW dealer I wanted my car sent, and I remembered enough to know which one I frequent.

OMG what he must have thought of me! OBVIOUSLY he could tell I was "way out of it". He must have thought I was drunk or on illegal drugs.

This morning, I panicked. I didn't know where my car was! I remembered the "accident", if you can call slamming into a curb an "accident", but didn't know where he had towed it! I started calling the BMW Dealerships, and finally they gave me roadside assistance's number, who tracked down my car for me.

They STILL haven't called me back! This is very urgent! I need to know for SURE my car is there! Never mind what it is going to cost - do they have it? Is it lost?

What a horrible mistake I made. Mistake? Is that what I made? I think I was ok, and the meds hit me on the way home from getting something to eat. I mean, REALLY hit, especially between the time I got home and when the tow truck came. It was all I could do to stay awake during that time.

I woke up this morning, hadn't taken a shower yesterday, a stain on my shirt, just feeling gross. The house is a MESS, a DISASTER, and I don't know what's happened to me!

I'm not depressed, but this overwhelming anxiety, and I mean, BAD, is too much to bear.

I feel fine right now, maybe because it's Friday and Mark will be home tonight. I need to pick up the house, obviously, or there's the potential he will blow up at me.

I just g0t out of the shower and feel SO MUCH BETTER.

I did play a new character that I had started before on World of Warcraft. It does keep my mind off my crappy existence and gives me something to look forward to. I'm not in a guild = no social interaction. But I'm also not playing every second I get, either. It's kind of boring, but something to do.

Guess I'd better call in my meds - I took a couple of night's worth and now I need more.

I started working out - Day 2. We'll see how long this lasts. : ) Maybe just by saying "we'll see how long this lasts" is a bad sign? I hope not. It actually gets me out of the house and my body moving. It also makes me doubly conscience about what I put into my mouth and when.

I hate my job, is that anything new? What do I do? I feel physically unattractive and not confident enough to get another job. Plus...I know I couldn't find one that pays what I make now. ON TOP OF THAT, I would have to report to the office every day, a luxury that working from home, a bipolar on medication can find god-sending. It's so demanding, but maybe I just make it out to be that way because I hate every bit of it.

I'm working on how I feel about myself physically. The gym is a good example, as well as changing my eating habits. I have a new "eating habits" goal. I just want to lose 3 pounds per month. Nothing dramatic - a very slow weight loss over time. For me - these 3 pounds are hard fought, however, if past history repeats itself. By the end of September, I hope to be out of the 150's. Right now, I feel like I've gained a ton since I weighed on Friday, only time will tell on weigh day. Weekends are horrible for me. I keep trying to tell myself that when I started my last "changing my eating habits" diet, I was halfway through my weight loss goal at what I weigh now. I felt so slender - HA! Now I feel like a big fat cow at the same weight! But I started at like...172-174, so, I'm trying to keep that perspective and not get too down on myself.

I also need to go to the eye doctor and get new contacts to stop wearing these clunky glasses everywhere. It really lowers my self confidence as well. My glasses are SO THICK. And so out of style, in my opinion. Perhaps I'll make an appointment tomorrow.

All of these are steps in the right direction, correct? And working out everyday will create endorphins that will make me feel better, right?

I'm TRYING! What more can I do? All that anyone can ask of me is to TRY and correct what makes me feel so miserable about myself, which in turn, makes me miserable in general.

Mark and I are getting along decently - we actually had a good weekend recently. He's out of town now, and today, my anxiety went through the roof. I had to take 5 klonipin to stop obsessing about work because I didn't do much today. He called me on the phone and I was short and combative with him. I don't know why I get that way when he's out of town. Part of it is I HATE TALKING ON THE PHONE TO HIM when he's out of town. I just want to get off as soon as possible. I hate holding the phone up to my ear - my arm gets tired.

I'm also trying to get out of the house more, and went to see this ridiculously stupid movie over the weekend - Something Thunder. Points for going to the movies for me is all I have to say. I'm SO self conscience out in public - waiting for someone to point and laugh at me, seriously. The way I'm dressed (because I'm so fat - 152 last count), my glasses, my age, anything. Mark has the body of a model now - running 7-14 miles every day, and doing his upper body before that. How could I not feel horrible about myself next to that?

Other than that, I think I'm moving into the right direction, I just hate my job.

Mark took a vacation week off next week, so that should be good. I just need to stay disciplined and actually work while he's home. Or take the week off myself, I don't know. I've worked for this company since last November, and have yet to take any time off.

That's about it - no bipolar symptoms, not much World of Warcraft playing, and obsessively watching Big Brother. Who will win it? Time will tell.

Mark got home Wednesday night, this is Friday, and boom, just like that, I'm in a good mood. The deep depression has lifted and is completely gone. Am I really that co-dependent? Because that is what it would be, right? Co-dependency? Or is it because I just started, without my knowledge, becoming "hormonal", and it was "hormones"? Or...was is just chemically based, with no clear cut answer?

I can't say I'm completely OVER being "mad" or whatever it is I am at Mark. I know it's so stupid to feel betrayed or abandoned because he travels and isn't at home because of his job. It just seems like he constantly chooses his job over me. No, I haven't outright SAID that to him. I don't want him to feel like he has to make a choice, as if I'm giving him an ultimatum, because I'm not.

Why can't I feel the way I do now when he's not here? Not angry? Not depressed? Not...abandoned?

I'm not working very hard this afternoon - it's the Friday before Labor Day weekend. I think I'll go clothes shopping this weekend.

I joined a gym last weekend and I forgot to buy new sports bras, plus I bought some shorts that actually fit, along with tops, and I want to buy more of the kind I already have. It's amazing the amount of self confidence you have by just having new clothes that fit and you like.

But that didn't stop me from dipping into the hole of despair this week.

What the hell WAS THAT?